I want to be incredibly selfish for once.

I have no intention of wasting your valuable time, so please stop reading if you are not interested in the finer details of my life.

People have always been saying to me – Kishore, don’t care about what others say, or what they would think. Well here you are then. Welcome to my beautiful world.

So today’s a Friday. End of the workweek. I literally punched my fist in the air after I was done for the day, even though it wasn’t the most hectic of weeks. But it’s still the end of the week, and all I want to do is lie in bed, play guitar, read, and study. Not quite the notion of a 23 year old’s Friday, you must be thinking. I don’t want to meet anyone, go out, drink, watch a movie – or do anything outside my room.

Khichdi, the simplest of dishes had been cooked, much to the disdain of my flatmates. But with curd and homemade pickle, I felt like Russell Crowe in Cast Away on the night he returns from the island. There is such a magic about the simpler things in life. The evening looked promising, with so much me-time. Little did I know what would happen next.

Coldplay’s Live 2012 is a movie with a medley of their live performances, and words from all the band members as fillers. I stretched out on my bed, plugged in my earphones, and then the music started. Before long, I was singing it all along with Chris Martin – and with every word, I felt like something was leaving me. Was it fatigue, laziness, who could tell? Just minutes ago I was ready to doze off peacefully, but the power of Chris Martin’s words, and Coldplay’s music is beyond anything, anything, I have ever felt.

Soon when the filler with Chris’s words came, I started to tear up. No, this is not something I do everyday. No, I’m not a baby. No, I’m not a girl.

Yes, I am human.
These were not tears of sadness. This is the purest feeling of being overwhelmed. But then the next song started playing – Fix You.

Chris had written this song for his wife when her father had passed away. But no matter you know that or not, no matter how many times you’ve already heard it before – a true connoisseur  of music in general will only feel one thing. That it had been written for him. Or her.

And then the floodgates opened.

“When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?”

I started to remember. 
How my closest friend passed away.
How the people I loved didn’t love me back.
How I failed to get into MBA, after giving absolutely everything. 
How all this had happened in a space of a few months.
How badly and desperately I hoped for at least one thing to go right, when there was so much wrong happening.
They kept streaming down my face. Emotions that had been buried under for a while, had been unearthed.
Let me make something very clear. This is not a call for pity, no sir. Spare it for someone else.
Don’t you dare start telling me how so many people have it worse. Do NOT remind me of all the things I should be thankful for. 
Of course, it isn’t fair to expect everyone to empathize. But I honestly feel let down. Most of you don’t waste a second telling me that I over think everything. That I should learn to ‘chill’ – or whatever the hippies say these days. Then again, most of you have never known true pain. Don’t feel sorry for me, be thankful to yourselves.
So it’s not really surprising that I choose to spend my time alone these days. I need time to get back into the swing of things. I have been reading a lot, and keeping myself occupied. What is the point of meeting someone who make you feel like an oddity ? They say that the best way to treat  the physically or mentally challenged , is to treat them normally. Why not apply the same logic here ?  People break, time mends. Deal with it. 
Men and women of sub-par intelligence have created a society in which anything unusual is to be despised or frowned upon. That includes freedom of expression on the levels of this post. 
Fine, frown away.
I know what I am.
I am the truth you cannot accept.
I am the magic trick you can’t figure out.
I am the one, among the few. 
So despite what may be going through your mind now, know this. I will power through. If this is the worst my life ever was, then I will become the best I can be.

Save your pity – I can fight my own battles.

” Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you “

One thought on “Floodgates

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